Recently, I've come to the conclusion that I have way too many insecurities.
What I have decided to do to combat these issues is to write down everything that I am insecure about, whether it is something I think is wrong with me physically, whether it is something wrong with my personality, or whether it is something that I am afraid of becoming.
After writing down that list, I chose to group my insecurities together by theme. What this did for me was allow me to see what it was that I am REALLY insecure about. I found three major themes.
Before going further into this, I just want to say right now, I am not writing this to "fish" for compliments or anything... basically I'm just sharing a way that God has used to help me feel encouraged instead of the way I normally feel. :)
With that said, my three major themes are:
I am unlovable
I am worthless
I am unattractive
I didn't realize just how much Satan was attacking me with lies... but now that I have realized it, I have chosen to use scripture, God's Word that is 100% true, to ward of Satan's attacks.
So today I chose to work on attacking the insecurity of being unlovable. These are the verses that I have so far. I'm pretty sure that I will end up writing more and more verses as I find them.
Fighting against Satan's lies is not a one time thing. He will continue trying to undermine God's Word for the rest of my life, so it is my job to be prepared for those attacks.
So here it is, straight from my journal:
Psalm 139 - O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar ... If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, and your right hand shall hold me.
Romans 5:8 - but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
John 3:16 - For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoever would believe in Him should not parish but would have everlasting life.
John 14:21 - Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is that loves me. And he who loves me shall be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him.
Romans 8:38, 39 - For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation. will be able to separate us from the love of God in Jesus Christ our Lord.
and last but DEFINITELY not least, the super long passage:
John 15:9-17 - As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my life, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in His love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one that this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he may give it to you. These things I command you, so that you will love one another.
Moral of the story:
I am NOT unlovable.
and neither are you.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Rearranging Relationships.
The other day I read something that said, "I asked God to protect me from my enemies then I began to lose my friends." ...Or something along those lines.
It really got me thinking about that. How often are we just so concerned about not being alone that we just suffer through really crappy friendships or relationships of any variety...
I think as human beings, we are made to be in relationships. It's only natural. That's why people feel lonely from time to time. And since anyone reading this is also a person, I am clearly preaching to the choir because I can guarantee that you have felt alone at some point in your life, and I bet you weren't a fan of it.
So what do we do when the only relationships that we have available to us are with people who are not good for us. People who are manipulative, selfish, and prideful? Obviously no one wants to be like, "my only friend is a really bad friend... but if I give them up then I'll be completely alone." We're so terrified of being alone that we settle for being in an unfulfilling relationship, whether romantic or platonic. It's really weird and super sad.
I got into a fight with a good friend, that fight made me realize that the friend was not as good of a friend as I had originally thought. It was one of those fights that should never reach "fight" level because it's just such a ridiculous thing, then all of a sudden the person is making a huge deal out of it and is attacking you and you're just so caught off guard that it progresses past the point of no return and at the end of it all you can think is, "holy crap.... how did I end up here?!"
Normally I would just apologize to this person... but I thought over the fight and realized that this person never takes the blame when we argue or when things are bad in our friendship. Either they find a way to blame me for it and manipulate me into taking full responsibility, or they just ignore me and wait for me to come crawling back to them.
That's not healthy at all.
So I sort of made the decision to just trust God with it. Like that quote says, God will protect us from the people that will do more harm to us than good. So we have to trust Him with it. Even if we end up having absolutely no friends, having no friends and having an amazing relationship with God where you completely trust Him to fulfill every single need that you have is so much better than being in an anxiety ridden friendship/relationship where both people are not being fulfilled.
So yeah. That's just a weird, jumbled, sorta downer thought that I had. But at the same time it's kind of encouraging. Due to the (temporary?) end of this friendship, or best-friendship at least, I have reached out to a former best friend who I have drifted apart from who I've truly missed so terribly... and if I was relying on that unreliable friend to fulfill my friendship needs, I would not have fixed the friendship with the girl that I do honestly know is an exceptionally good friend.
So yeah, God's moving in my life and rearranging my relationships... it's good! I'm excited to see the outcome of all that He's doing!
It really got me thinking about that. How often are we just so concerned about not being alone that we just suffer through really crappy friendships or relationships of any variety...
I think as human beings, we are made to be in relationships. It's only natural. That's why people feel lonely from time to time. And since anyone reading this is also a person, I am clearly preaching to the choir because I can guarantee that you have felt alone at some point in your life, and I bet you weren't a fan of it.
So what do we do when the only relationships that we have available to us are with people who are not good for us. People who are manipulative, selfish, and prideful? Obviously no one wants to be like, "my only friend is a really bad friend... but if I give them up then I'll be completely alone." We're so terrified of being alone that we settle for being in an unfulfilling relationship, whether romantic or platonic. It's really weird and super sad.
I got into a fight with a good friend, that fight made me realize that the friend was not as good of a friend as I had originally thought. It was one of those fights that should never reach "fight" level because it's just such a ridiculous thing, then all of a sudden the person is making a huge deal out of it and is attacking you and you're just so caught off guard that it progresses past the point of no return and at the end of it all you can think is, "holy crap.... how did I end up here?!"
Normally I would just apologize to this person... but I thought over the fight and realized that this person never takes the blame when we argue or when things are bad in our friendship. Either they find a way to blame me for it and manipulate me into taking full responsibility, or they just ignore me and wait for me to come crawling back to them.
That's not healthy at all.
So I sort of made the decision to just trust God with it. Like that quote says, God will protect us from the people that will do more harm to us than good. So we have to trust Him with it. Even if we end up having absolutely no friends, having no friends and having an amazing relationship with God where you completely trust Him to fulfill every single need that you have is so much better than being in an anxiety ridden friendship/relationship where both people are not being fulfilled.
So yeah. That's just a weird, jumbled, sorta downer thought that I had. But at the same time it's kind of encouraging. Due to the (temporary?) end of this friendship, or best-friendship at least, I have reached out to a former best friend who I have drifted apart from who I've truly missed so terribly... and if I was relying on that unreliable friend to fulfill my friendship needs, I would not have fixed the friendship with the girl that I do honestly know is an exceptionally good friend.
So yeah, God's moving in my life and rearranging my relationships... it's good! I'm excited to see the outcome of all that He's doing!
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Well, it has been quite some time since I've written a blog entry.
A lot has happened since then... and yet I'm pretty much in the exact same place.
You see, I dated that boy again. You know, the one that had all the issues and was such a terrible person to me? Yeah... I think that it probably shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone, but he was exactly the same as before, except worse. Although, he didn't break up with me by running away, he broke up with me by saying he didn't want to date me anymore and then hanging up on me on Skype. So I guess maybe tact has found him. Sarcasm.
Something that really got me recently was the thought of Peter when he denied Christ three different times.
Every time that I was dating this guy, there were so many times that God was slapping me across the face making it SO obvious to me that this man was not a godly man and I was just wasting my time, body, and heart on someone who was not who He had for me. God gave me so many opportunities to obey Him and I didn't. Three different times. Every time that this guy and I would be broken up, I would have some personal little epiphany and I would get back where I needed to be with God and then I'd do it all over again.
So to me I remind myself of Peter. I love God, and told Him that I did and that all I wanted to do was obey Him... but when it came down to it, I chose myself over obeying God.
Now that this man and I are broken up for the third and final time, I feel like I'm at the stage of my life where God is asking me, "Kaitlyn, do you love me?" and I say yes... to which He responds by commanding me to take care of His sheep and then asking me two more times if I truly love Him. As with Peter, it is heartbreaking to have the Creator of the Universe remind you of when you denied Him... but it is a relief to know that He still cares and wants me to be part of His plan.
So, we'll see what happens from this point on. I know that if that boy tries to talk to me I'm probably going to do some weird dramatic thing to make sure he never does again... but for now I really don't think that he will ever talk to me again. Which is good. I don't need that temptation in my life ever again. I'll mess up all on my own a million other ways, I don't need to make the same mistake for the fourth time.
A lot has happened since then... and yet I'm pretty much in the exact same place.
You see, I dated that boy again. You know, the one that had all the issues and was such a terrible person to me? Yeah... I think that it probably shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone, but he was exactly the same as before, except worse. Although, he didn't break up with me by running away, he broke up with me by saying he didn't want to date me anymore and then hanging up on me on Skype. So I guess maybe tact has found him. Sarcasm.
Something that really got me recently was the thought of Peter when he denied Christ three different times.
Every time that I was dating this guy, there were so many times that God was slapping me across the face making it SO obvious to me that this man was not a godly man and I was just wasting my time, body, and heart on someone who was not who He had for me. God gave me so many opportunities to obey Him and I didn't. Three different times. Every time that this guy and I would be broken up, I would have some personal little epiphany and I would get back where I needed to be with God and then I'd do it all over again.
So to me I remind myself of Peter. I love God, and told Him that I did and that all I wanted to do was obey Him... but when it came down to it, I chose myself over obeying God.
Now that this man and I are broken up for the third and final time, I feel like I'm at the stage of my life where God is asking me, "Kaitlyn, do you love me?" and I say yes... to which He responds by commanding me to take care of His sheep and then asking me two more times if I truly love Him. As with Peter, it is heartbreaking to have the Creator of the Universe remind you of when you denied Him... but it is a relief to know that He still cares and wants me to be part of His plan.
So, we'll see what happens from this point on. I know that if that boy tries to talk to me I'm probably going to do some weird dramatic thing to make sure he never does again... but for now I really don't think that he will ever talk to me again. Which is good. I don't need that temptation in my life ever again. I'll mess up all on my own a million other ways, I don't need to make the same mistake for the fourth time.
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