A Time of Healing.

    So last year after going through that really horrible break up (the second to last one... for those of you who can't keep my relationship stupidity straight), I was very lonely all the time while I was at school. I assumed that no one really wanted to be around me and I never felt included and I just felt like an enormous inconvenience...

    Lately I have been evaluating my insecurities and I have really been looking at them through the the lens of how God sees me. Obviously I am no where near perfect at seeing myself the way God sees me. I'm a human being, and I'm a female human being. For some reason I think that we just tend to be more insecure than guys (although I am completely aware that guys are very insecure in their own ways). My biggest insecurity is basically that I am insignificant and that no one really cares whether I exist or not...

   I have always felt pretty lonely, but it was particularly bad last year after the break up... But after looking though the lens of scripture and realizing that even if I don't matter to a certain group of people, I do matter to someone... and that's all that I really needed to know I guess. I guess when the break up happened, I felt like if someone who had dated me for basically a year and a half couldn't love me and didn't want to be around me, then I guess no one wants to. I didn't realize how much damage the ex-boyfriend did to my self-esteem until literally ten minutes ago. He manipulated my emotions and my security to the point that my entire self-worth was attached to whether he wanted me or not. That is so completely unhealthy.

    Now that the ex and I have been broken up for almost three months and have not spoken in just as long... I am back at school and I was just thinking about going to dinner... it seems so natural now for me to go to dinner with the same group of girls that I was panicking about whether they wanted me around or not... nothing about me has changed, nothing about them has changed, and nothing about our relationships have changed... so why does it seem so natural now when it didn't before?

    I think the answer is simply that there was no reason why I should have felt excluded in the first place last year. These girls did nothing to make me feel that way and they gave me every reason to feel like they wanted me around... but because of the damage that had been done I viewed myself as an inconvenience and as though no one would want me around.

   So yeah. Just food for thought. I don't know this is mostly just a journal to me because I figure no one really reads it. So sorry if someone is reading it and it made absolutely no sense to you. :)